Two: Roommates

Ellie poured a cup of coffee as Carrie entered the kitchen and sat on the stool at the table. When Carrie saw the coffee, she let out a loud groan and collapsed against the table, her head hitting it with a thunk.

“Oh god, coffee.”

“Um.” Ellie said. She sat across the table from Carrie and stirred some sugar into her coffee. “You’ve never reacted to coffee that poorly before. What happened, Carrie? Did coffee hurt you? You can tell me, I’m your friend.”

“I asked that guy out yesterday.”

“What? When? Who? What guy?” Ellie asked all of these things and she did so quickly.

“Ray, the guy who keeps coming in and pretending to look at the Droid covers.”

“The guy who hangs out with Watson?” Ellie asked. “Jeez, I hope he doesn’t smoke as much weed as Watson does.”

“No one smokes as much weed as Watson does.” Carrie said. “But no, I don’t think he smokes it much. He only hangs out with Watson when he can’t afford to buy a pizza.”

“Well, what did he say?”

“He said yes.” Carrie said. “But I’m worried I didn’t make it clear to him that I was asking him out on a date. What if he thinks I just meant as a friend?”

“Guys don’t think about things like that.” Ellie said. “He probably thinks you want to have sex with him.”

“Oh man, do you think?”

“Well, every guy thinks that. No matter what the interaction might be, if you talk to a guy, he automatically thinks you want to ride his love pony.” Ellie said. “But it’s the ones who show restraint and who actually like you for things other than your body that are the keepers.”

“Do you think he likes me for more than my body?”

“I don’t know. I mean, he might.” Ellie said. She blew on her coffee before taking a drink.

“So, I shouldn’t have clarified that I meant it as a date? I feel like he’s not sure what to make of it, now. I feel like, if he does like me, that he might be worried that I don’t know that he likes me.”

“Trust me, no guy worries about that sort of thing.” Ellie said. A knock came to the door and Carrie got up to answer it.

“Are you sure? He seems different. He seems like he might be the type to worry about stuff like that.” She opened the door and in walked a short bald man wearing glasses.

“Shawn! Let me ask you something.” Ellie said. “A girl you like asks you out for coffee.”

“What? Who asked me out for coffee?” Shawn asked. “It doesn’t matter, the answer is yes.”

“Dammit, stop. Just listen. A girl you like asks you out for coffee.” Ellie said. “Like, she approaches you, she engages you in conversation, then asks you if you want to go out for a cup of coffee. Is she into you or does she just want to be friends?”

“I don’t- Why?”

“Just answer the question.” Ellie said. Carrie returned to her seat at the table.

“I guess she’s into me, but it could mean anything, really.”

“See?!” Carrie shouted. Shawn poured himself a cup of coffee.

“I don’t like this game. Let’s play something else now.”

“This isn’t a game. The currently abysmal state of Carrie’s love life hangs in the balance, here.” Ellie said.

“Wow, thanks.” Carrie said.

“Oh, it’s you? Who did you ask out?” Shawn asked.

“Ray.”

“Oh shit, Ray, the guy who hangs out with Watson? That Ray?” Shawn asked. Carrie rolled her eyes. “I mean, yeah, he’s probably cool. I hear he’s nice. Hell, Watson likes him.”

“Watson likes everyone who doesn’t steal his weed.” Ellie said.

“Guys, please, I’m really freaking out here.” Carrie whined. “I like this guy and I want him to know that I like him, but I don’t want him to think I want to sleep with him.”

“You don’t want to sleep with him?” Shawn asked.

“Well, of course I do, but not, like, right away or anything. That’s something we build to, gradually.” Carrie said. “We would need to go on several dates first, all of which I would remember as one long dating montage, set to 90s music, like the one in that Freddie Prinze Jr. movie.”

“You watch too many of those movies.” Ellie said.

“Whatever. I’m going to cancel.”

“No, are you crazy?” Shawn said. “Just go, talk to the guy, have some coffee, maybe a muffin. Hang out and be yourself. If he doesn’t like you now, he sure as hell will then.”

“I hate muffins.” Carrie said.

“Not the point, sweetie.”

“That was actually sweet, Shawn.” Ellie said.

“It happens every once in a while.” Shawn said. Carrie picked up her cell phone and stared at it.

“I’m not going to cancel.”

“Good girl.” Ellie said. Suddenly, the theme song from Sanford and Son filled the air. Ellie and Carrie both looked at Shawn, who reached into his pocket and removed his cell phone.

“Hello? Oh hey, Watson.” Shawn said into his phone. “No, I can’t come over tonight. Hey, let me ask you something, you know Ray, right?”

“What- What are you doing? No! Stop!” Carrie said in a whisper.

“Yeah, that guy. He’s a good guy, right?” Shawn asked, waving his hand in ignorance of Carrie’s demands. “Because Carrie asked him out and now she’s freaking out about it. Uh-huh. Yeah. Really? Nice. Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”

“I can’t even believe you just did that.” Carrie said.

“Did what? You wanted information on the guy, I got it.” Shawn said. “He’s a nice guy. Watson said that Ray is usually the one to pay for the pizza when they get together, he thinks, and he’s funny and is way into movies.”

“There, see? Go for it.” Ellie said.

“Why? Oh, because he’s way into movies? That could mean anything! Maybe he’s way into German snuff films, ever think of that?” Carrie said.

“Freddie Prinze Jr. movies.” Shawn said with a smile.

“Oh shit.” Ellie said. “That nails it, Carrie. You’re going.”

“He really likes Freddie Prinze Jr. movies?” Carrie asked.

“He quotes them all the time.”

“But not Scooby-Doo, right?” Carrie asked.

“Not Scooby-Doo.”

“Oh my god, he’s the perfect man.” Carrie said. Ellie laughed.

“So, when are you guys going out?” Ellie asked.

“I don’t know yet.” Carrie said. “We just exchanged numbers. Oh god, maybe I should call and set up an actual date. Or maybe he should be the one to do that. Or maybe I should just stay home and watch Head Over Heels and cry. Again.”

“I guarantee he’s not even close to being as stressed out about this as you are.” Ellie said. “But, I’d wait and let him call to set up the date. You initiated, let him take the lead.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if I have to-” Carrie was interrupted by her cell phone ringing. She looked at the screen and saw Ray’s face. “It’s him! What do I do?!”

“Answer it!” Shawn and Ellie spoke in unison. Carrie pushed the little green button on her screen.

“Hello?” she said. “Hello? Ray? Are you there?” Carrie put the cell phone down on the table.

“What happened?” Ellie asked.

“He hung up on me.”

One: Taqueria

The wind took the edge of the umbrella and made it twirl madly, causing a loud clanking sound to emanate from the table it was attached to.

“Jesus, it’s so loud here.” Sam said. He was riding low on his bright orange hard plastic seat, his sunglasses pressed firmly against his face. “Why did I agree to come to lunch with you?”

“Because you’re my friend, Sam.” Ray said. “When a friend asks you to accompany them to a taqueria, you go. Besides, you love taquerias. And this is a great taqueria. I mean, I’ve been to a lot of taquerias, and let me tell you, this is a good taqueria.”

“Stop saying taqueria.”

“Because your head hurts?” Ray asked.

“No, because it’s a stupid word.” Sam said. “I’m not even eating anything.”

“You should try this burrito.” Ray took a knife and fork, cut a greasy chunk of burrito off his plate and offered it to Sam. Sam gagged. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“Let me explain something to you, Ray. Sometimes people go out drinking on a Friday night, okay? That’s a thing and it happens. And sometimes, on Saturday, these people experience pain. A lot of it, usually. Sometimes it’s their stomach that hurts, sometimes it’s their head, sometimes it’s their ass, which is cause for a serious reevaluation of their lifestyle. But for me, it’s my everything. My everything hurts, Ray. Think about that.” Sam said. He rested his elbows on the table and gently lowered his face into his hands.

“She asked me out for coffee.”

“What?” Sam looked up. “Who?”

“Carrie.”

“Are- Are you serious? Carrie who works at that cell phone place, that Carrie? She asked you out?” Sam asked. He looked at Ray over the top of his sunglasses before the afternoon sun got the best of him and he pushed them back up the bridge of his nose.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, you- Shit, you’ve been tormenting yourself over how to ask her out for weeks now. And she drops a coffee date on you, just like that?” Sam asked.

“Just like that.” Ray said. “I’m kind of freaking out a little bit. I mean, is that good? Does she mean as, like, a friend? Or will it be we be coffee dating? And since she asked me out, am I coffee dating her or is she coffee dating me? What should I do?”

Sam took a slow and careful sip of his water and grimaced. He took the slice of lemon out and threw it on the ground.

“Tell me exactly what she said.” he asked.

“I went into the cell phone place and pretended to look at the Droid covers.” Ray said.

“You have an iPhone.”

“I know I have an iPhone, that’s why I was pretending.” Ray said. “Anyway, she came up to me and was like ‘Oh Ray, how are you? Did you need help?’ and I said ‘No, just perusing your selections here.’”

“You didn’t say it like that, did you?” Sam asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Perusing your selections? Who talks like that?”

“Nevermind. She said the weather had been nice lately, I agreed that the weather had been nice lately, then she asked if I liked coffee, and I said of course I like coffee, and then she asked if I wanted to get a cup with her some time. I said yes, we exchanged numbers, then I left.” Ray said. He took a deep breath and then looked at Sam. “What does it all mean?”

“Well, first off, it’s not the meaning of life, so ‘What does it all mean’ is a little deep for this situation.” Sam said. He took another sip of his water. “I’d say she’s into you.”

“So, I should go for it? I mean, I said yes and everything, but I should go through with it?”

“What- Yes, you should go through with it.” Sam said, before noticing a man with long hair and a Superman t-shirt approaching from behind Ray. “Who’s this guy?”

Ray turned and waved at the man. “That’s Watson.”

“Watson? His name is Watson?”

“Yeah.” Ray then leaned in across the table and spoke in a whisper. “That guy smokes an embarrassing amount of marijuana.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because I smoke it with him.” Ray said. Sam sighed as Watson arrived at the table.

“What’s up, Ray? Isn’t this the best fucking taqueria?” Watson asked. Sam sat back in his seat.

“It is, man.”

“Burrito, huh? Good choice.” Watson said. “Are you coming over later? A little of the sticky icky?”

“Probably not tonight, I have a thing I’m doing.”

“Oh, you mean coffee with Carrie?” Watson said. Ray and Sam looked at each other with surprise.

“I thought I was the first person you told.” Sam said.

“You were.” Ray said. “How do you know about that?”

“Shawn told me.” Watson said. “I think he said Ellie told him. Why, are you not going?”

“Well, I mean…” Ray started.

“He’s going.” Sam finished.

“Cool, man. Congrats. Carrie’s awesome. Does she smoke weed?” Watson asked.

“I don’t think so, Watson.” Ray said.

“Bummer. Well, see you guys around. I got a busy day of getting high and playing Portal ahead of me.” With that, Watson left. Ray excitedly sat up in his seat and leaned in toward Sam.

“What the hell does that mean? She’s talking to people about it? Is that good? That’s good, right?”

“I’d say she’s definitely into you.” Sam said. “Unrelated note, I can’t believe you’d smoke pot with that guy.”

“Are you kidding? He’s the best kind of guy to smoke pot with. He always has the best stuff and he never remembers whose turn it is to pay for the pizza.” Ray said. “But seriously, she’s talking about it to other people. What if this turns out to be like that scene in She’s All That, when I show up and I hear that this is all some bet she made with her friends to turn me into a prom queen?”

“Wow, you need to stop watching those movies. And why would she be Freddie Prinze Jr.? You’re always the woman in these scenarios. There’s a lot wrong with you.”

“I’m just saying, I’m fragile. I’m like a flower.” Ray said.

“You’re not helping your image right now.”

“I mean I’ve been burned before.” Ray said. “I really like this girl, man.”

“I know, Ray.” Sam said. “I say you go coffee date the hell out of her.”

“You know something, you’re right.” Ray said. He pulled out his cell phone and started dialing. “I’m going to call her right now.”

“You do that. I think I’m going to order one of those burritos.”