The Collected Correspondence of Captain Splendid and Dr. Von Magma
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Dear Dr. Von Magma-brain,
Writing to inform you that your most recent attempt at world domination was one of particular amusement for me. The fact that you tried to claim the White House while the President was on a diplomatic mission in another country is sad enough, but the fact that you did so with an army of bears (and while riding one of said bears!) is comedic GOLD. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Especially when the bear you were riding bucked you off his back and tried to maul you. Classic stuff.
Sometimes being a superhero can be a lonely gig and having someone like you constantly making me laugh is nice.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, please don’t ever stop trying to take over the world. I’d be so bored if you did.
Enjoy what’s left of your sentence.
Heroically Yours,
Captain Splendid
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
Mount Evil
Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
To Captain Splendick,
Oh, ha ha ha. I’m so glad to hear that the greatest disappointments in my life bring you such utter amusement. That bear did NOT try to maul me. She was actually, well, attempting to mate with me, if you must know. I hadn’t taken mating season into account and I- Well, what the hell am I telling you all of this for? Why do all of the villains always tell you their entire plan? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
Also, I’ll have you know that I am no longer in MaxCell Prison, as I have escaped yet again! Bwaha haha ha!
Yours in villainy,
Dr. Von Magma (NOT MAGMA-BRAIN BECAUSE THAT IS STUPID AND DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE YOU ARE SO STUPID)
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Dear Dr. Von Magmama’s Boy,
You do realize that listing your address on your stationary while revealing that you’ve escaped from prison is really stupid, right?
—Captain Splendid
—-
From The Cell of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
MaxCell Prison for Supervillains
Captain Splendid,
You son of a bitch.
—Dr. Von Magma
P.S. MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT.
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Dear Von Magsy,
That’s my new nickname for you. Von Magsy.
What’s your deal, anyway? You’re a mad scientist, I get that, but I mean, why? What happened to you? Who hurt you, Von Magsy? Who hurt you?
I look forward to your next prison break and subsequent failure to take over the world.
Signed,
Captain Splendid
—-
From The Cell of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
MaxCell Prison for Supervillains
Captain Horrid,
Von Magsy is a terrible nickname. Just awful. At least have the decency to call me DR. Von Magsy, I am a scientist dammit.
My “deal” is simple: I am the smartest being on the planet, thus I should be in charge. Having me as ultimate ruler of the world wouldn’t be that bad, really. I mean, no more minimum wage (everyone will be slave labor), the streets will be cleaner (everyone is to clean the area in front of their home with their toothbrush every afternoon), plus, no more American Idol! I would cancel the shit out of it! Why don’t more people see how wonderful all of that would be? Everyone is so dumb.
Including YOU.
I also look forward to my next prison break, because I’m having quite a bit of difficulty with it this time. They have these dogs, now. They’re huge and mean and one of them bit me on the ass the last time I tried to escape. On the ass.
See?! WHY DO I TELL YOU ALL OF THIS?
Hatefully yours,
Dr. Von Magsy Von Magma
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Dear Dr. Von Magsy,
Because maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you need someone to talk to. Have you ever thought that maybe if you vented some of this stuff to you wouldn’t be so angry all the time? Food for thought.
We’re not so different, Von Magsy. We have a lot more in common than you think. You’re a funny little dude. We shouldn’t keep fighting like this, we should be bros!
Signed,
Captain Splendid
P.S. American Idol is pretty bad. I hate J-Lo, but I’m not even sure why.
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
NOT Mount Evil
NOT Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
Cap’n Crunch,
OH GOD SHE’S THE WORST. I mean, she was cool when she was a Fly Girl and even some of her early songs aren’t bad. Jenny From The Block is pretty damn catchy. But still, every time I see her in a commercial or something I just think “Not J-Lo again, jesus no.”
I’m going to ignore the pseudo-psychology happening in your letter. It never happened and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Also, I ESCAPED HA. Once I drugged the dogs, it was easy.
—Dr. Von Magma
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Dr. Von Magma,
Right? She’s awful. I miss In Living Color, that show was really funny.
Look, all I’m saying is maybe we meet up for coffee at some point. Maybe you just talk it out. You might feel better!
—Captain Splendid
P.S. Have you seen The Voice? It’s much better than American Idol and it’s got this hip hop guy that looks just like a Ninja Turtle.
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
NOT Mount Evil
NOT Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
Cap,
I don’t watch The Voice, but I know who you’re talking about. Have you seen Christina Aguilerra’s rack lately? When the hell did that happen? I don’t remember that on the Mickey Mouse Club.
And, actually, I do like coffee. And my self esteem has been non-existent recently. WAIT, this is a trap, isn’t it? You lure me to a coffee shop with promises of friendship and bro-ish-ness and then I’m hauled back to MaxCell! I’m too smart for you, Captain Peabrain!
—Dr. Von Magma
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Von Magsy:
Nope. No trick, no trap, just coffee and bro time. I’m serious.
—Captain Splendid
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
NOT Mount Evil
NOT Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
CS,
You swear?
—Dr. VM
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Von Magsy,
Swearsies.
—CS
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
NOT Mount Evil
NOT Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
Cap,
“Swearsies”. You are such an idiot.
I’ll be at the Starbucks on 4th St at noon tomorrow. Defy me and I will kill you.
—Von Magsy
P.S. I saw The Voice last night and I really like Adam Levine. But how old is Carson Daly now?
—-
Captain Splendid
Care of John D. Smith, Reporter, World Daily Globe Times Gazette
Herotown, USA. 09876
Von Magsy,
I like Adam Levine, too. But you don’t know why, right? He’s llike the anti-J-Lo.
And I’ll be there.
Signed,
Captain Splendid
P.S. He’s so old.
—-
From The Desk of Dr. Mortimer Von Magma
NOT Mount Evil
NOT Evil Volcano Island, USA 02946
Dear Captain Splendid,
I wanted to thank you for coffee this morning. You were right. It does help to talk things out with someone. I’d never in a million years dreamed that you and I would become friends. I mean, it’s like I’ve stepped into one of the alternate dimensions I tried to banish the world to that one time. Remember that? Oh man. Good times.
Thanks for lending me season one of Fringe, but I don’t think I’m going to like it.
Also, thanks for… All the talking and stuff.
SuperBuds,
Dr. Von Magsy
P.S. I’m still so much smarter than you.
